I use my sword to detect good on it

Thanks facebook, for reminding me that nothing escapes your exquisite advertising algorithms.

Fri, 25 May 2012 11:27:00 -0700

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This was the cake another co-worker and I came up with for her:

Fri, 25 May 2012 09:15:00 -0700

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Still unpacking, hello old friends. I miss you. #WH40k

Tue, 22 May 2012 21:24:58 -0700

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The heroes are fucked! #LastNightOnEarth

Fri, 18 May 2012 19:27:54 -0700

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Home made buffalo sauce, homemade buffalo chicken mini pizzas! #WannabeFoodie

Wed, 16 May 2012 15:38:23 -0700

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.@DreadPixee and I about 3 years ago, boy do I miss having a full head of hair. Mohawks are cool too I 'spose.

Wed, 16 May 2012 14:00:00 -0700

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1d30 Beards for your System Neutral Internet Campaign

Wed, 16 May 2012 09:30:00 -0700

This post is for humor, I was bored. Don't rake me over the coals for it. Thanks.

Subspecies of the Neckbeard

Slackbeard Wobblechin - The most common type of beard, unfortunately has no special powers though it thinks it does. This creature can never have more than 1HD
Potatobeard - These creatures feed on whatever starchy substances they can, often contain remnants of their last meal within their beard for safe storage and a snack when food sources are scarce. They are territorial and irrational, beware.
Ragebeard - Easily angered about most anything, will dedicate entire lives to writing tomes and scrolls upon a single subject with often illegible handwriting, incomprehensible language, or the use of paragraphs.
Neckbeard - The most vile of all the beards, perhaps even lower than the wobblechins, these beards manage to attempt to spoil everything for everyone. They survive and even thrive in nearly any climate and can be found in groups of relative size as they often flock to others of their kind for protection and reinforcement.
Manbeard - Also known as "brobeards" or "highfivebeards" these types are relatively unintelligent, though their size makes up for their lack of introspective thought processes. They are often bedazzled by shiny things such as scantily clad women, games where a ball is chased around, or basically any other thing that might amuse children.
ForeverAloneBeard - These beards are known to dwell within their guardian's cellars, basements and other oft-neglected spaces. Prone to telling people they are "doing it wrong" as many other beards do, however ForeverAloneBeards do it with unmatched flourish.
Roguebeard - Known for traveling outside of the norm for most beard types, these are mostly harmless though they have a strong tendency to lean toward stealth and subterfuge. Operating in cabals and underground guilds where their uncommon words only fall upon the ears of trusted friends. Roguebeards refute actually being beards at all.
Sackbeard - Carrying their reproductive organs just below their chin, contained within a thick twine of bristly hair, these beards are extremely boisterous and can normally only be defeated once their weak spot (not being as macho as they'd like to come off, and/or being hit in the sack) has been exposed.
Elder Choad - This beard possesses great mind control powers and can suck the knowledge, appreciation, happiness, and individual thought processes out of any other beard's mindscape. Episodes of LOST should buy you enough time to escape one.
Econobeard - Hung up on granular priorities, these types of beards will berate you with verbal attacks regarding how many seconds it should take you to draw your sword, or speak a full sentence. Beware their referencing shout, and avoid making eye contact. Your best defense against an econobeard is to deviate them toward a Minutiabeard so they may engage in endless debate, eventually dying of thirst or starvation.
Wall of Beards - Similar to the Beard Golems of 1d4chan, the Wall of Beards is a near unstoppable force comprised of various materials. Its porous composure often bursts with gouts of a fine orange powder that smells and tastes faintly of cheese. Do not inhale this noxious poison, at the very least it will permanently stain skin and armor.
Beard Golem - Comprised of a machination of many bear types, possibly even those yet to be discovered. The beard golem is a fearsome foe as its body may contain any number of volatile substances, leftovers, and spittle. Kill it with fire.
Dickbeard - This is a very loose term for most beards, and can apply to non-beard creatures as well. However, dickbeards are known for being quite imposing with their views, are very blunt, and not very nice. Kill them with a sword named kindness.
Grogbeard of Blackmoor - Thought to be unkillable, these chauvinistic creatures dwell in spaces of black walls with scrawlings of bright white text. They treasure artwork depicting chainmail bikinis and will chastise any outsider who disagrees with them, upon the slight chance a woman may befriend one, they immediately devour her whole in a public display of asshattery. The only known way of slaying one of these horrors is to starve it of attention in any way, shape, or form.
Ladybeard - A lady beard can exist as any other beard type listed here, with the exception that it is female and generally more socially adapted than other beards.
Assboat - Assboats are technically not beards, they are just generally unhelpful creatures who give zero input on anything of substance. Often inserting commonly depicted meme-imagery onto whatever surface possible. Prone to throwing fits when being called out about actually being an assboat. Typically found in small groups with other non-beard creatures such as fuckwits and asshats.
Unixbeard - Extremely resourceful, unixbeards can deconstruct and reconstruct nearly anything to suit their agenda. Often employ minions of sentient clockwork penguins to do their dirty work. The unixbeard can be a trusted ally, so long as you're not trying to copyright your ideals.
Lords of the Minmax Beardic Order - These powerful wizards, sorcerers, warlocks and witches are masters of their craft. They can take nearly anything and bend it to their will, attempting to prove that something is broken. They are an extremely loud beard, their screeches can nearly break glass and force game designers to fold under the pressure - resulting in creating overly complicated mechanical subsystems in attempts to thwart their dickery. No game designer or mere mortal has ever conquered one in battle.
Editionbeard - Similar to grogbeards, and many other beards. Editionbeards are known to adapting to one style and one style only, upon encountering ideals or fighting styles of others that are unfamiliar to them - they fly into a blind rage of confusion and Monte Cook quotes.
Vancianbeard - Vancianbeards almost always forget what they were just doing or how to do it, immediately after doing it. They are easily fended off due to their erratic memories but beware, Vancianbeards who acquire ginkgo biloba and imbibe it in the form of a potion are rumored to be unstoppable.
Minutiabeard - Minutiabeards are a precision instrument of mental destruction, stray far away from them if you value your SAN score. Similar to econobeards but not limited to just an umbrella of topics, minutiabeards can get hung up on literally anything like dragons having breasts or what halflings eat for breakfast. They often double as "forumbeards" which do not show up in this document. Should I ever get to study a forumbeard closer
Offensebeard - Known for overrreaction and giving the illusion of standing for things, offensebeards can often be defeated with extreme over-apologies, warm cookies, or blog posts dedicated to their ego.
Flakebeard - A very special kind of beard, who believes all other beards are unique and not like the others, hoards treasure in the form of old character sheets and retelling tales about their 7th level bard "Horatio Hernandez of Fopsville" who once fended off 13 kobolds with a single pluck of his harp!
Precisionbeard - Angered over minor information snippets containing errors. "Palace of the Silver princess was published in 1981 not 1980 you dolt!" The amount of HP Strahd Von Zarovich had in his original stat block, and the proper pronunciation of the elvish tongue are all dire concerns for precisionbeards. Defeat them with references, wikipedia, and phrases such as "who gives a fuck, whatever."
RUSHbeard - Prone to being surrounded by the constant droning of progressive rock music, these beards will tell you how there is only one true form of music - songs which last no shorter than at least 8 minutes and consist of 90% guitar solos. Will regale tale after tale of incense filled rooms playing games with dominoes and pewter figurines. Mostly harmless, try earplugs.
Storybeard - Storybeards may as well just run around dressed up in costsumes chucking small pouches of sand at one another and screaming out spell names. The actual how and why things work don't matter to storybeards, they want to tell you all about that time Drizzt stormed the castle of WhatTheFluff and was misunderstood and sad and stuff. Storybeards are simply defeated by asking them to actually roll dice.
Lawyerbeard - These creatures carry heavy bound tomes around their neck and limbs at all times, constantly reciting and endless cant of dribble and mathematics. The exact inverse of storybeards, lawyerbeards often associate with precisionbeards and the elusive forumbeard. Destroying or hiding their books or barring their ability to read from them in any manner is sure to make tears flow.
Trollbeard - Known for bringing up topics on the internet only so they can get 'offended' and defensive about them. Prone to grouping people into segments and then single handedly ostracizing them one by one in a brutal public display of close mindedness and agenda-oriented rhetoric. Similar to Offensebeards, the best defense against these beards is to drink a potion of invisibility and creep on by before they notice you.
Conbeards - Known for lack of respect for personal boundaries, poor hygeine, and sleeping on the floor of public spaces. Conbeards are often harmless unless you disturb them, or ask them to please watch where the fuck they are going. Invoking conversation with a conbeard may reveal they are many other types of beard as well, they are best left to their own kind.
Mimicbeard - A mimicbeard can be any other beard type, and can shapeshift to look like any other type of beard or non-beard creature. Beware their lures of seemingly normal behavior.